I Am a Child of God!

The night before my surgery I received a phone call.  The caller was somewhat muffled so I wasn't actually certain of who was calling me.  They asked me how I was feeling.  Then they asked me something else that I couldn't quite understand.  I told them I was having a difficult time understanding them.  "Just a minute" they said and after some rustling on the other end of the phone they got back on.  "Sorry, I just got a waterproof cover for my phone."  Oh!  Now I recognized that voice.  :)  It was my Stake president.  (For those not of the LDS faith he is the leader over 11 local congregations [wards], which form a Stake)  We talked a bit about my surgery and he let me know he would  continue to pray for me.  He also told me his sister-in-law was having the same surgery on the same day as me.  He called and talked to Joe after my surgery.  His sister-in-law was also not doing well with pain management.  I felt it was so thoughtful of him to take the time to check up on me. 

Last Sunday was Stake conference (twice a year conference with all 11 wards).  I was sitting with my family in the second row.  I told Joe I wanted to go tell the Stake president thank you for the calls but I had a feeling I would get too emotional.  When the Stake president got up to start the meeting he saw me sitting there.  He got a huge smile on his face, waved at me and gave me a thumbs up.  Totally made me smile and tear up.  After the meeting he came down from the stand to greet me.  He told me it was miraculous to see me there  and looking so well.  He asked if he could give me a gentle hug.  I told him I had my armor (back brace) on so it wouldn't hurt.  Then he wanted to introduce me to his wife.  He tried to get her attention in the crowd.  We chatted a bit more about how I was doing and then headed towards his wife.  She was so wonderful!  She told me she had said many prayers for me and my recovery.  Getting teary eyed again, I gave her a hug.  I asked about her sister (who has been really up and down in her recovery).  It was a brief interaction but I felt so touched by their concern and love for me.  I have had interactions with him before and always felt his sincere love for me as part of a whole group.  But on these occasions out of the thousands of people in his "flock" how wonderful it felt that he reached out to me personally.

As I pondered this experience I felt encompassed by love.  I felt a stronger realization of my Father in Heaven's love for me.  He knows me.  He is aware of my needs.  He inspires many people to reach out to help and serve me.  They are Christ's hands in my life. 

(Awesome message about being Christ's hands)  https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/you-are-my-hands?lang=eng

4 Weeks Later

A few days ago I was looking at my calendar and realized I had my surgery almost 4 weeks ago.  I was surprised...and greatful that it seems like time is passing quickly.  As the time passes I see small improvements on nearly a daily basis. 

I love that I'm sleeping more deeply at night.  As I taper off my medications my pain and muscle spasms are also tapering down.  It still hurts just to a lesser degree.  I still have muscle spasm just not as frequently and they are easier to calm down.  I still get tired easily and take a couple naps a day.  When I'm not napping I'm generally laying in bed resting my muscles.  Showering and washing my hair or trying to put my hair up absolutely exhausts my shoulders.  Many things exhaust my shoulders!  Laying in bed with a book propped up makes my shoulder burn like I'm doing some intense weight lifting routine.  I recently borrowed some treking poles for when I do my walking and it seems to be helping to loosen up my shoulders a bit.  My daily walk to the mailbox is getting easier.  Although I'm looking forward to cooler weather as I get so hot outside in my backbrace.  I've also started walking laps around my backyard.  Trying to promote new blood vessels and healing!   

I'm starting to lose some of the numbnes in my back.  It's kind of weird because it is just in random places.  My hips and rear and getting feeling back.  My left side waist is starting to feel more.  For the longest time it just had that irritating feeling of pins and needles.  Having more feeling is good and not so good.  I have such strange sensations in my back.  I feel the pressure on my spine, especially right where the worst curve was.  Maybe I'm feeling the hardware.  It is so odd having my back touched. I can feel some layers but not others. It's all a little eerie feeling.  There have only been a few times where the itchiness of healing was noticable.  I do occasionally get little shocks as my nerves regrow. 

The physical therapist sent me home with little exercises to do and I feel like I am getting stronger.  I'm not so dizzy or off balanced like I was when I first came home.  I'm getting better at squating down to reach something.  I'm so greatful for my flexibility!  Being able to dry my own legs, without bending my back, after a shower is liberating.  ;)  Still, the best way to put on socks and pants is to lay on the bed on my back and pull my knees up to my chest.  I'm just trying to take it easy and not overdo it.  No way do I want to break hardware and have to go through surgery again.  I was given a lifting/pushing/pulling  limit of 10lbs.  In the beginning I couldn't even lift my waterbottle to my mouth withouth straining if it was filled all the way.  I use more of my fingers and wrists for opening the refrigerator and microwave.  The sliding glass door is still a challenge.  Somethings I can adapt to and other things I just ask for help with. 

My husband, children and other family members are always so eager to help me.  They'll run back upstairs for me to get my medications or something I forgot.  They help me get my backbrace on and off.  They get my icepacks and move them around to where it feels the best.  They get my food, refill my water bottle and clean up all the food I drop.  The list goes on and on of all the ways my sweet family assists me.  I am so blessed to have such a caring, compassionate family!

Here are the improvements to my back!

My awesome x-rays





So easy to see the difference even from the outside :) (oh and that is actually 3 weeks post-op)

 

 



 My rib doesn't stick out so much in front.  My waist is still not quite even.  The muscles are all pulled so much it's going to take months for everything to relax and settle into place.  My torso is so much longer it seems crazy to me but I guess it's just normal. 

Seeking Normalcy

Ever since being home from the hospital I have tried to be involved in my family's normal routine.  I find comfort and healing in continuing on in our lives as much as I can.  There is something wonderful about not being able to do much but still be able to be a semi-active participant in the life of my family.

Sometimes that means just laying in bed while the family gathers around for family scripture study and prayer.  Or having to lay down half way through my son's 20 minute session of reading to me.  I used to have my daughter sit down while I did her hair now that is reversed.  I have to sit down while she stands in front of me.  I enjoy it anyhow.  Just still being a part of the family activities. 

Speaking of returning to normal routines I was able to go to church with my family today.  I wasn't sure I could manage it both pain wise and socially.  It turned out just fine.  I did take an extra half of a pain pill and placed an instant heat pack under my back brace.  I only attended the first meeting and was quite worn out and ready to go rest at home.  It was wonderful just being there and being happily  greeted by my church family.  I'm looking forward to slowly building up the ability to attend all my church meetings. 

My son was happy to have me sitting next to him at church.  He drew this awesome picture of us hugging.



Love

 

Like a Red Rubber Ball

I've been home almost two weeks.  I can honestly say my emotions have been bouncing all over the place.  I'm guesssing it is a combination of lack of sleep, medications, unrealistic expectations, etc.  I've never been a rational or happy person when I'm lacking sleep.  This has fed my up and down thoughts.  Some days I wondered why I chose to do this surgery.  I figured I could have lasted another 10 years in the pain I was in (not really)...but eventually I would need the surgery.  I've cried over my loss of mobility, loss of self.  I question if when it's all said and done whether I'll be any better off.  Will I still be me?  Will I be able to dance, do yoga and all the other things I love?  I know from other's experiences I will.  I will be a new and improved me, where I can move without the constant pain.  Where I can simply go to the grocery store and push a shopping cart without feeling like I'm going throw-up from so much pain. 

My first night home I recall waking, startled over and over.  I think I felt like I was going to roll out of bed.  Really rolling wasn't that easy for me yet so it was a bit of an unrealistic fear.  The first week I just simply did not sleep well.  I was still waking to take walks in the night to try to ease my tight muscles, as well as, waking to stay on my med schedule.  I felt a bit zombie like through the day.  I napped frequently. 

Now into my second week I am sleeping quite a bit better.  I ususally sleep through my alarms for taking my medicine.  I'm a bit more alert throughout the day and generally just take a couple very deep naps.  With more alertness also comes boredom.  :)  I've been trying to stay busy reading, watching Netflix and trying to get my blog up-to-date.  It is just really hard to sit for more than 20 minutes at a time.  I've made it up to 40 but quickly had to retreat to my bed to lay flat and ice my back. 

I have spent many nights praying and listening to hymns of worship.  My testimony of prayer has been repeatedly strengthened through this experience.  It brings me such peace and strength.  I recall one night in particular waking up and deciding to check my email.  I had received an email from a dear friend.  The day before she had brought my family dinner.  I had been having a rough, pain-filled day.  I came downstairs to say thank-you and ended up just crying and hugging her.  Anyhow, so she sent me an email the next day sharing some of her favorite hymns.  I ended up listening to them right then and continued to go through and play (and sing along with ) more hymns on my phone until I fell asleep.  I slept so well!  "For my soul delighteth in the song of the heart; yea the song of the righteous is a prayer unto me, and it shall be answered with a blessing upon their heads." Doctrine & Covenants 25:12

After about a week and a half of being home I really felt like I had gotten through the worst of the significant pain.  I felt like it was more tolerable which seemed to lift my spirits a bit. 

I still randomly burst into tears.  Sometime this happens when I've had to take a car ride somewhere.  By the time I am heading back home I am in so much pain I am just crying.  It's a catch 22, driving faster just makes me feel every bump and strain around every corner and driving slower, while less painful, just takes longer.  As soon as I get home from an excursion in the car I immediately head to my room to remove my back brace and either put and ice pack or heat pad on my back.  I really liked the heat more at first but icing has felt much better lately. 

A week ago I went to my primary care doctor here at home and had my staples removed.  I was rather nervous about this.  I had 57 staples in my back.  Thankfully only about 8 of them kind of pinched/pulled.  About 2 hurt extremely!  Not too bad overall.

Getting un-zipped ;)

All my staples!

Sometimes the emotions from this surgery have been more difficult to deal with than the physical pain.  It's nice having a  husband in mental health.  He tells me to give myself permission to just cry and helps me see through the unrealistic thoughts I have.  He helps me remember to to look forward to the end goal.  I won't alwasy be at this place emotionally and physically.  In fact I can already see the progress I've made.  I move with much more ease, I walk further with less pain, I can a few more things independently.  I drop things a lot.  I always have but it is just much more evident now that I can't pick thing up myself (without my grabber).  We had a good laugh yesterday as I fumbled and knocked several things off my bedside table.  It feels good to laugh.   

I have enjoyed the visits from friends, flowers, card, messages of encouragement.  We've been so greatful for the delicious meals which have been brought in daily.  We are so blessed by so many wonderful people in our lives!

Heading Home

Getting ready to leave the hospital

My surgeon had originally anticipated sending me home on Friday the 8th.  With pain regulation taking a bit longer than expected he decided to keep me at the hospital until Monday the 11th instead.  We were able to have family friends who lived in the area come pick us up from the hospital and drive us to the airport.  Thank you Dave and Sako!  We are so grateful for their kindness and careful driving!

I had debated whether it would be easier to drive the 3 1/2 hours home or fly.  My sister offered us her frequent flyer miles which made that a possibility.  In the end we opted for flying home.  It was a 38 minute flight. 

We had called ahead and requested wheelchair service.  When we arrive at the curb a wheelchair was quickly brought over.  Joe was in line to check us in (and it was hot) so the guy offered to take me inside.  Here begins my misery.  He just left me at the bottom of the ramp.  People were walking around me, I couldn't turn around and see where Joe was at.  The chair!  The chair was hard as a rock and complete torture.  I'm sure I was looking pretty miserable as a very kind TSA man came over.  He asked if I was waiting for someone and offered to move me out of the flow of traffic.  There was a wheelchair waiting area just around the side of the ramp.  He turned me so I could watch for Joe.  When Joe finally got us checked-in and came inside he could see the pain on my face.  I moved to a regular chair and Joe sent someone on a quest to find a better wheelchair with some give that would be a bit more comfortable.  After a bit of a wait a real wheelchair was located for me and I was wheeled to security. 

The wheel chair of torture!

When I got to security I was wheeled to wait for an agent to be available to do a pat down while my husband was stuck in a line to go through security.  Once again I could not see my husband I was just dropped off to wait.  This was all very anxiety provoking for me.  Eventually Joe made it through the line before they were able to check me.  I was so happy to see him!  As he walked over to check on me he was stopped and told he couldn't touch me until I had been through security too.  Seeing me in pain and being told he could touch me were a bit too much for him.  He was extremely upset and let them know I was in pain and I had been waiting long enough.  Someone quickly came along and took me to a tiny, hot room for my pat down.  Yes, I want my husband to come with me.  Can you raise your arms? No. Can you lean to the side and bend over?  No.  And do NOT touch my back I just had spine surgery.  It wasn't much of a pat down but they did do the little strips to test for explosive residue. 

Finally after making it through security I was pushed to our gate.  Those wheelchair pushers are crazy!  It was like a scary ride with the speeds they were going.  Fortunately he was very careful on the bumps but the corners were insane.  We waited at the gate for a bit but I had to find a place to lay down.  I was in so much pain.  We were directed to some benches not far from our gate.  With Joe's assistance, so I would roll right off the bench, I was able to lay down and rest my aching back until it was time to load. 

My selfie just after laying down to rest on the bench.

 

We were in row 5 but got bumped up to row 2.  Someone came with another very narrow wheelchair to take be up the ramp to the plane.  I was able to get in my seat with out any problems.  Sadly I found out the seats do not recline.  I popped in headphones, listened to music and prayed this would be the shortest 38 minutes of my life.  The last 15 minutes I was in intense pain.  When we finally landed I could not wait to get off.  I had trouble getting my arm rest up and started panicking.  Joe tried and then asked the neighbour across the aisle to help me.  He struggled a bit to get it up but was finally successful.  People began to stand.  I think the stewardess was waiting for my wheelchair but it was taking awhile so she started letting people off the plane.  The man across from me offered to let me go before he which I gratefully accepted.  The stewardess asked if I wanted to wait for my wheelchair but I just couldn't.  I felt so hot, panicked, and in pain so I decided to just walk off.  My kind neighbor once again got me a wheelchair while Joe picked up my walker next to the plane.  He pushed me into the air conditioned airport and turned me so I could watch for Joe.  He was a very kind man!  Joe came and took me over to a seat I could lay down at while he grabbed our luggage. Shortly thereafter we headed out and got in  my dad's car.  I reclined my seat and tried to get as comfortable as possible. 


 

 

I have never been so happy to be home!  I climbed out of the car as was met by my mom and all my kids.  I used my walker to get inside and climbed my stairs.  On the way up I saw a hanging on the wall filled with hand-prints.  My church had an activity for all the women and girls while I was in the hospital.  The theme was Sisters Hand in Hand.  One of the activities they did was to leave their hand-print and name on this wall hanging for me.  I was so touch by their love and kindness I couldn't speak.  I just cried.

It had been an exhausting trip and I immediately went to bed with ice and heat on my back.  :)  I had finally made it home.  Now it was time to heal.



I'm home!
 

It was a pretty miserable flight but after making a couple 20 minute car rides since being home I still feel flying was the better decision.

Side Story: Switching Rooms

So, while I started out in room 1765 I ended up in room 1774.  The first room was a shared room.  We had hoped no one would be moved in there but alas late Tuesday night another patient arrived.  They were quite loud and flipped on all the lights.   I was feeling quite miserable.  About a half hour later Joe got up and asked them if they could turn down the lights in my area which they did, as well as, quieted down a bit.  The next morning the nurse came in and told Joe he would no longer be able to stay in my room through the night because the other patient was uncomfortable with him there.  That didn't go over well with Joe...at...all.  He firmly suggested they figure something out because he was going to be staying with me throughout my recovery.  Later that afternoon they came in and let us know they would be moving me to a private room.  I'm so thankful for a husband who doesn't back down and stands up for me and my recovery needs.  I needed him there with me!  Nights were the worst for me and I can't imagine having to go through them without him there to help and comfort me.  The nursing staff was great but they have more than just me as a patient and there is only so much they could do. 

Showers, visitors, and Physical Therapy...Oh my!

The medication began to be regulated a bit better and I was able to do a bit more in the hospital.  I was actually able to take a couple showers.  My wound was healing so well that once they removed the bandage they didn't have to cover it again.  Also once I stopped draining they could remove the drains from my wound and I was able to shower.  It felt amazing!

I had a few visitors which really brightened my days. 

My sister and her husband came up from Vancouver for a visit.  They brought me a gift from my family members.  I love my awesome Wonder Woman waterbottle!

It was filled with chocolates (which Joe took care of for me).  Also a past mission companion of Joe's came by with his wife.  Here is what Joe wrote about that visit:

Today, by the power and authority of the priesthood Melissa received a blessing of healing and strength. By this power she was blessed that her body would heal properly and fully. She was blessed to find relief from her overwhelming levels of pain. She was blessed with comfort and spiritual peace. As the blessing was being pronounced upon her by my good missionary friend Jerry Bostron, the power of God was present. The power was real and undeniable. I share my witness and gratitude for the restoration of the fullness of the gospel of Jesus Christ. It is the lifeblood of what makes Melissa and I tick. It sustains us in all we are and all that we do. For our Facebook friends who are not of our faith, we encourage you to learn more about the restored gospel and the restored authority of Gods power to bless your lives. God has given us more tools of healing and faith than of prayer alone, he has also given us the power of his priesthood. We love the Lord Jesus Christ with all our hearts and thank him for his mercy and grace. It was wonderful to visit with them and knowing that wherever I am I have to opportunity to be blessed by good, faithful people.  I just wish I could more adequately express my gratitude to them without all the tears.  I'm a crier!

 

Hittin' the Stairs

I also had visits from physical therapy twice a day.  It was quite exhausting!  I walked halls, climbed stairs, and learned a few exercises like point/flex toes, small squats, etc.  I even took a walk with Joe down to the cafeteria once and out to a garden terrace.  Pretty adventurous.  Each day seemed a little better.  The nursing staff commented on how much better I was looking.  But then they also celebrated when Joe let them know I had a bowel movement.  So I think nurses are pretty easy to please.  ;)

Garden Terrace



A feel good moment

Keep on Walking

My view of the city from the 17th floor