Happy Independence Day! It's crazy to me to think that in one month from today I will have just gotten out of a six+ hour surgery. I have great hopes for the surgery to go well. Lately whenever I do something I think to myself, next year I'll be able to do this without pain. Or this is my last time to do this without rods in my back. The good and the bad, I'll take it. The life ahead of me is filled with hopes for a better future filled with much less pain. My dreams are to be able to celebrate my own independence from debilitating back pain.
As much as I look forward with hope in the future there is anxiety in the today. There seems to be so much to do to prepare for surgery. So many appointments to set up and figure out what can I do here in Eastern Washington and what needs to be done in Seattle. My mom has been coming over nearly every day, for several hours, to help me de-clutter, give my house one last thorough cleaning and move my clothes and other things I'll need to mid level (since I won't be able to reach above shoulder level or bend over for until I heal). It has been a daunting task. We hang on to way too much "stuff". Beyond all the stress of preparing is the nervousness of thinking about surgery. They call it complex spine surgery for a reason. I've signed all the paperwork acknowledging that I could become paralyzed, blind, DIE... Eventually I'll need to fill out the paperwork for my Will and Power of Attorney. I can't figure out why it is such an emotionally draining task that I'm not quite ready to face. I guess acknowledging those things as a possibility is unpleasant.
I had my first nightmare (I assume there will be others) about surgery a few weeks ago. I dreamed I was in a line waiting for my surgery. They were just whipping out surgeries every 5 minutes and it was soon my turn. They took me by the hand and told me I was next. I just started to panic and kept saying, "I'm not ready! I'm not ready!" I woke up in a complete panic and feeling like I was going to throw up. Not fun.
Overall I am very calm and positive that all will go well but it is a huge surgery and a very long, painful recovery. I do worry about my recovery. I worry about all the medications I'll be taking and the effect they will have on my body. I just try to remember my calm reassurance that this is the right thing for me now.
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