Like a Red Rubber Ball

I've been home almost two weeks.  I can honestly say my emotions have been bouncing all over the place.  I'm guesssing it is a combination of lack of sleep, medications, unrealistic expectations, etc.  I've never been a rational or happy person when I'm lacking sleep.  This has fed my up and down thoughts.  Some days I wondered why I chose to do this surgery.  I figured I could have lasted another 10 years in the pain I was in (not really)...but eventually I would need the surgery.  I've cried over my loss of mobility, loss of self.  I question if when it's all said and done whether I'll be any better off.  Will I still be me?  Will I be able to dance, do yoga and all the other things I love?  I know from other's experiences I will.  I will be a new and improved me, where I can move without the constant pain.  Where I can simply go to the grocery store and push a shopping cart without feeling like I'm going throw-up from so much pain. 

My first night home I recall waking, startled over and over.  I think I felt like I was going to roll out of bed.  Really rolling wasn't that easy for me yet so it was a bit of an unrealistic fear.  The first week I just simply did not sleep well.  I was still waking to take walks in the night to try to ease my tight muscles, as well as, waking to stay on my med schedule.  I felt a bit zombie like through the day.  I napped frequently. 

Now into my second week I am sleeping quite a bit better.  I ususally sleep through my alarms for taking my medicine.  I'm a bit more alert throughout the day and generally just take a couple very deep naps.  With more alertness also comes boredom.  :)  I've been trying to stay busy reading, watching Netflix and trying to get my blog up-to-date.  It is just really hard to sit for more than 20 minutes at a time.  I've made it up to 40 but quickly had to retreat to my bed to lay flat and ice my back. 

I have spent many nights praying and listening to hymns of worship.  My testimony of prayer has been repeatedly strengthened through this experience.  It brings me such peace and strength.  I recall one night in particular waking up and deciding to check my email.  I had received an email from a dear friend.  The day before she had brought my family dinner.  I had been having a rough, pain-filled day.  I came downstairs to say thank-you and ended up just crying and hugging her.  Anyhow, so she sent me an email the next day sharing some of her favorite hymns.  I ended up listening to them right then and continued to go through and play (and sing along with ) more hymns on my phone until I fell asleep.  I slept so well!  "For my soul delighteth in the song of the heart; yea the song of the righteous is a prayer unto me, and it shall be answered with a blessing upon their heads." Doctrine & Covenants 25:12

After about a week and a half of being home I really felt like I had gotten through the worst of the significant pain.  I felt like it was more tolerable which seemed to lift my spirits a bit. 

I still randomly burst into tears.  Sometime this happens when I've had to take a car ride somewhere.  By the time I am heading back home I am in so much pain I am just crying.  It's a catch 22, driving faster just makes me feel every bump and strain around every corner and driving slower, while less painful, just takes longer.  As soon as I get home from an excursion in the car I immediately head to my room to remove my back brace and either put and ice pack or heat pad on my back.  I really liked the heat more at first but icing has felt much better lately. 

A week ago I went to my primary care doctor here at home and had my staples removed.  I was rather nervous about this.  I had 57 staples in my back.  Thankfully only about 8 of them kind of pinched/pulled.  About 2 hurt extremely!  Not too bad overall.

Getting un-zipped ;)

All my staples!

Sometimes the emotions from this surgery have been more difficult to deal with than the physical pain.  It's nice having a  husband in mental health.  He tells me to give myself permission to just cry and helps me see through the unrealistic thoughts I have.  He helps me remember to to look forward to the end goal.  I won't alwasy be at this place emotionally and physically.  In fact I can already see the progress I've made.  I move with much more ease, I walk further with less pain, I can a few more things independently.  I drop things a lot.  I always have but it is just much more evident now that I can't pick thing up myself (without my grabber).  We had a good laugh yesterday as I fumbled and knocked several things off my bedside table.  It feels good to laugh.   

I have enjoyed the visits from friends, flowers, card, messages of encouragement.  We've been so greatful for the delicious meals which have been brought in daily.  We are so blessed by so many wonderful people in our lives!