Gratitude

I decided that my recovery is coming in leaps and bounds now (with stretches of time with no significant change) rather than each day so incremental as it was at first.  My back muscles are so much looser now and seem to be figuring out how to move more smoothly rather than so jerky.  I've been trying to stretch and move as much as is allowed.  My left side still has some numbness at the waist and hip but my right side is nearly free of all numbness (just between the shoulder blades is a bit numb).  I was out and about for about 6 hours yesterday without getting terribly sore and just a bit tired.  I had to rest for a couple hours afterward.  

I'm walking 2 miles some days and it's not too bad.  However now that weather has dipped below freezing and I'm thinking I'll have to go use my parent's elliptical to get my exercise in.  With the temps are dropping here the brace is more tolerable.  Also bulkier layers make it easier to cover up. :) 

I've been wondering if I need to keep up the huge caloric intake still.  I've been less hungry than at the beginning and I've slowly been gaining weight that I lost towards the beginning (and then a few extra pounds).  I guess I need to make healthier food choices so the ones I eat are helping me heal and not just adding fat.  I'd probably have more energy too. 

 I have had some people dealing scoliosis tell me that I've been helpful by sharing this. It's certainly a pleasant and unexpected side effect of going through all that I have.  I love being able to give some advice or information and feel like I'm helping in some small way.  

I really like this quote.  It is too true.  Without the struggles I've endured in my life I would not be as strong as I am.  I think if I could generally be patient and positive while dealing with pain then I surely can be patient and positive when I'm free from pain, etc.  Mostly I'm grateful that through my struggles I have come closer to God.  He makes weak things strong.  God is my strength!

In regards to my mental health, I'm doing much better.  We had some beautiful, warm, sunny days and I soaked up as much of it as I could.  The freedom of driving is fantastic.  I've actually only driven a few times in the past weeks but know that if I choose to I can.  Also, as I'm not so down, I've observed some things about my depression.  When I  am in that negative state of mind, everything feels so bleak and overwhelming.  It can be difficult to see things as they really are and the people that really are there.  It's like I shut my eyes to block everything out and forget that I can choose to open them and look for the light in my life.  When I finally do, I see reality isn't nearly as awful as it seemed.  When I felt like my house was falling apart I realized there actually wasn't much to it.  Just some clutter on the counters that I could sort through.  When a few shoes and socks or other things are left on the floor I realized it overwhelmed me because getting things up off the floor is a challenge for me right now.  Sometimes I forget I have a grabber to help with that.  A sink full of dishes?  Well it doesn't bother my back to load the top rack of the dishwasher and wash a few things by hand.  Trying to be proactive in finding ways to be a bit more independent and find purpose has be very helpful.  

My husband is incredible at helping me see a true picture of how things are.  He's also amazing at getting the kids to all pitch in and help him keep things organized around the house.  I know this surgery has been a challenge for him as well.  He's such a good example of someone who deals with challenges head on, with great faith and perseverance.  He builds me up and encourages me.  He makes me laugh.  He see all my flaws and loves me for who I am and who I am becoming.  He's a positive force in my life and I want to be a better person because of him.  It's a blessing to be married to him! 

2 Month Check-up

I went to Seattle for my 2 month post-op check-up a couple weeks ago.  All is well.  They had me take x-rays first and everything was still in place and looking good.  Dr. Sethi was very pleased with how things looked and reiterated what an amazing correction they were able to achieve.  He asked me about medication and told me I needed to be off all the prescription drugs in 2-3 weeks.

I went home and decided I was more emotionally attached to the meds than needing them physically.  After experiencing such excruciating pain I was afraid to have pain again.  I had only been taking hydromorphone once a day anyhow so I dropped that all together.  The Lorazepam I switched from two times a day to once a day.  I decided I didn't need the baclofen either because it was for muscle spasms and I hadn't been having any.  So after a week and a half I was only taking Tylenol (3 times daily).  Now I take Tylenol about twice a day and seem to be doing fine.  My muscles get kind of tired and achy but not really painful.  Sometimes my shoulders still burn, like after a good walk with trekking poles, but an ice pack works wonders. 

My incision is healing well.  

A week ago I really felt like I had turned a corner in my recovery.  There were a couple of busy days in a row.  I had been sitting up far longer than I do most days, had to go someplace in the afternoon and the evening.  Pre-surgery I would have been in horrible pain, wearing my TENS unit, and not been able to sleep that night because of pain.  Instead I felt tired, my back muscles felt fatigued but I wasn't in pain and I didn't have any trouble sleeping.  Yay me!

I've been walking a mile most days.  It feels good to get out and enjoy the cooler autumn weather.  A few days ago I walked two miles.  That was too far.  I was so slow on my way back and my back muscles were very sore.

I'm not good at really opening up to my feelings and struggles but here's a glimpse.  Hopefully I don't sound like I'm whining.  I'm just really trying to understand what's going on in my head.

Regardless of how well I was doing physically I was really struggling emotionally. Which is why it took me so long to post an update. I was just feeling too depressed. It was much easier to lay around and do nothing when I was so tired.  Now that my brain wasn't drugged up and my body was feeling better it was much more frustrating to do nothing.  It's difficult to be so dependent on other people.  I have tried to do more but I have to be very careful or it is painful.  There's not much I can do when I'm not supposed to bend, twist or lift over 10 pounds.  Even getting dinner in the oven can be tricky.  Straddle the oven door, bend the knees, try not to get burned...  I need to be very careful not to damage anything.  Squatting and kneeling to pick things up is very exhausting.  I helped my son clean his room using my grabber but it was somewhat challenging. 

I still struggle with having to wear this back brace.  It's uncomfortable, restrictive and it makes me so hot.  But more than that I have been hating it for how it makes me look.  I feel like I've been deformed by my scoliosis for so long that I was really looking forward to my new improved back and body.  So, I have this "normal" body now but I have to cover it with this horrible brace.  I feel so bulky, awkward and lumpy.  Sounds kind of vain.  It's helped me better understand the pressures some women feel to look a certain way.  I've felt like a teenager again struggling with my self-image and self-consciousness.  I don't like being different and sticking out.  I'm much more or a sit in the back and try to not draw attention to myself kind of person. ;)  So I had a good talk and cry about it with my therapist husband and am feeling a bit better about it.  Still haven't embraced the brace but I'll tolerate it until February.     

I have really had to force myself to go out walking in the morning.  If I don't go in the morning I probably won't go at all.  Although now the the weather is cooling down it isn't so bad going out in the afternoon too.  In the heat I instantly break into a prickly sweat under this back brace.  I've also had to force myself to eat more and healthy foods.  Sometimes having to eat so much gets terribly boring.  Not complaining, just stating a fact. 

I've talked to a few people about my struggles.  I'm not sure what to tell them when they ask what they can do.  I guess just check up on me.  Text me, visit me, go on a walk with me, ask me if I've eaten.  I'm going to start driving soon and I'm a little nervous about it.  Turning to look over my shoulder is difficult so I'm not sure how safe I feel.  I plan to just drive short distances at first.  Hopefully this new freedom with help lift my spirits.

Among my many wonderful blessings is having my mom be able to come help me on Thursdays and Fridays.  So, as I watch my house fall apart during the week, my mom comes in at the end of the week and whips it back into shape.  (My kids try to stay up on there chores but some days are som busy with schoolwork and other activities)  She's also been able to get my kids to and from appointments.  It's such a relief to know that help is on the way!

I Am a Child of God!

The night before my surgery I received a phone call.  The caller was somewhat muffled so I wasn't actually certain of who was calling me.  They asked me how I was feeling.  Then they asked me something else that I couldn't quite understand.  I told them I was having a difficult time understanding them.  "Just a minute" they said and after some rustling on the other end of the phone they got back on.  "Sorry, I just got a waterproof cover for my phone."  Oh!  Now I recognized that voice.  :)  It was my Stake president.  (For those not of the LDS faith he is the leader over 11 local congregations [wards], which form a Stake)  We talked a bit about my surgery and he let me know he would  continue to pray for me.  He also told me his sister-in-law was having the same surgery on the same day as me.  He called and talked to Joe after my surgery.  His sister-in-law was also not doing well with pain management.  I felt it was so thoughtful of him to take the time to check up on me. 

Last Sunday was Stake conference (twice a year conference with all 11 wards).  I was sitting with my family in the second row.  I told Joe I wanted to go tell the Stake president thank you for the calls but I had a feeling I would get too emotional.  When the Stake president got up to start the meeting he saw me sitting there.  He got a huge smile on his face, waved at me and gave me a thumbs up.  Totally made me smile and tear up.  After the meeting he came down from the stand to greet me.  He told me it was miraculous to see me there  and looking so well.  He asked if he could give me a gentle hug.  I told him I had my armor (back brace) on so it wouldn't hurt.  Then he wanted to introduce me to his wife.  He tried to get her attention in the crowd.  We chatted a bit more about how I was doing and then headed towards his wife.  She was so wonderful!  She told me she had said many prayers for me and my recovery.  Getting teary eyed again, I gave her a hug.  I asked about her sister (who has been really up and down in her recovery).  It was a brief interaction but I felt so touched by their concern and love for me.  I have had interactions with him before and always felt his sincere love for me as part of a whole group.  But on these occasions out of the thousands of people in his "flock" how wonderful it felt that he reached out to me personally.

As I pondered this experience I felt encompassed by love.  I felt a stronger realization of my Father in Heaven's love for me.  He knows me.  He is aware of my needs.  He inspires many people to reach out to help and serve me.  They are Christ's hands in my life. 

(Awesome message about being Christ's hands)  https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/you-are-my-hands?lang=eng

4 Weeks Later

A few days ago I was looking at my calendar and realized I had my surgery almost 4 weeks ago.  I was surprised...and greatful that it seems like time is passing quickly.  As the time passes I see small improvements on nearly a daily basis. 

I love that I'm sleeping more deeply at night.  As I taper off my medications my pain and muscle spasms are also tapering down.  It still hurts just to a lesser degree.  I still have muscle spasm just not as frequently and they are easier to calm down.  I still get tired easily and take a couple naps a day.  When I'm not napping I'm generally laying in bed resting my muscles.  Showering and washing my hair or trying to put my hair up absolutely exhausts my shoulders.  Many things exhaust my shoulders!  Laying in bed with a book propped up makes my shoulder burn like I'm doing some intense weight lifting routine.  I recently borrowed some treking poles for when I do my walking and it seems to be helping to loosen up my shoulders a bit.  My daily walk to the mailbox is getting easier.  Although I'm looking forward to cooler weather as I get so hot outside in my backbrace.  I've also started walking laps around my backyard.  Trying to promote new blood vessels and healing!   

I'm starting to lose some of the numbnes in my back.  It's kind of weird because it is just in random places.  My hips and rear and getting feeling back.  My left side waist is starting to feel more.  For the longest time it just had that irritating feeling of pins and needles.  Having more feeling is good and not so good.  I have such strange sensations in my back.  I feel the pressure on my spine, especially right where the worst curve was.  Maybe I'm feeling the hardware.  It is so odd having my back touched. I can feel some layers but not others. It's all a little eerie feeling.  There have only been a few times where the itchiness of healing was noticable.  I do occasionally get little shocks as my nerves regrow. 

The physical therapist sent me home with little exercises to do and I feel like I am getting stronger.  I'm not so dizzy or off balanced like I was when I first came home.  I'm getting better at squating down to reach something.  I'm so greatful for my flexibility!  Being able to dry my own legs, without bending my back, after a shower is liberating.  ;)  Still, the best way to put on socks and pants is to lay on the bed on my back and pull my knees up to my chest.  I'm just trying to take it easy and not overdo it.  No way do I want to break hardware and have to go through surgery again.  I was given a lifting/pushing/pulling  limit of 10lbs.  In the beginning I couldn't even lift my waterbottle to my mouth withouth straining if it was filled all the way.  I use more of my fingers and wrists for opening the refrigerator and microwave.  The sliding glass door is still a challenge.  Somethings I can adapt to and other things I just ask for help with. 

My husband, children and other family members are always so eager to help me.  They'll run back upstairs for me to get my medications or something I forgot.  They help me get my backbrace on and off.  They get my icepacks and move them around to where it feels the best.  They get my food, refill my water bottle and clean up all the food I drop.  The list goes on and on of all the ways my sweet family assists me.  I am so blessed to have such a caring, compassionate family!

Here are the improvements to my back!

My awesome x-rays





So easy to see the difference even from the outside :) (oh and that is actually 3 weeks post-op)

 

 



 My rib doesn't stick out so much in front.  My waist is still not quite even.  The muscles are all pulled so much it's going to take months for everything to relax and settle into place.  My torso is so much longer it seems crazy to me but I guess it's just normal. 

Seeking Normalcy

Ever since being home from the hospital I have tried to be involved in my family's normal routine.  I find comfort and healing in continuing on in our lives as much as I can.  There is something wonderful about not being able to do much but still be able to be a semi-active participant in the life of my family.

Sometimes that means just laying in bed while the family gathers around for family scripture study and prayer.  Or having to lay down half way through my son's 20 minute session of reading to me.  I used to have my daughter sit down while I did her hair now that is reversed.  I have to sit down while she stands in front of me.  I enjoy it anyhow.  Just still being a part of the family activities. 

Speaking of returning to normal routines I was able to go to church with my family today.  I wasn't sure I could manage it both pain wise and socially.  It turned out just fine.  I did take an extra half of a pain pill and placed an instant heat pack under my back brace.  I only attended the first meeting and was quite worn out and ready to go rest at home.  It was wonderful just being there and being happily  greeted by my church family.  I'm looking forward to slowly building up the ability to attend all my church meetings. 

My son was happy to have me sitting next to him at church.  He drew this awesome picture of us hugging.



Love

 

Like a Red Rubber Ball

I've been home almost two weeks.  I can honestly say my emotions have been bouncing all over the place.  I'm guesssing it is a combination of lack of sleep, medications, unrealistic expectations, etc.  I've never been a rational or happy person when I'm lacking sleep.  This has fed my up and down thoughts.  Some days I wondered why I chose to do this surgery.  I figured I could have lasted another 10 years in the pain I was in (not really)...but eventually I would need the surgery.  I've cried over my loss of mobility, loss of self.  I question if when it's all said and done whether I'll be any better off.  Will I still be me?  Will I be able to dance, do yoga and all the other things I love?  I know from other's experiences I will.  I will be a new and improved me, where I can move without the constant pain.  Where I can simply go to the grocery store and push a shopping cart without feeling like I'm going throw-up from so much pain. 

My first night home I recall waking, startled over and over.  I think I felt like I was going to roll out of bed.  Really rolling wasn't that easy for me yet so it was a bit of an unrealistic fear.  The first week I just simply did not sleep well.  I was still waking to take walks in the night to try to ease my tight muscles, as well as, waking to stay on my med schedule.  I felt a bit zombie like through the day.  I napped frequently. 

Now into my second week I am sleeping quite a bit better.  I ususally sleep through my alarms for taking my medicine.  I'm a bit more alert throughout the day and generally just take a couple very deep naps.  With more alertness also comes boredom.  :)  I've been trying to stay busy reading, watching Netflix and trying to get my blog up-to-date.  It is just really hard to sit for more than 20 minutes at a time.  I've made it up to 40 but quickly had to retreat to my bed to lay flat and ice my back. 

I have spent many nights praying and listening to hymns of worship.  My testimony of prayer has been repeatedly strengthened through this experience.  It brings me such peace and strength.  I recall one night in particular waking up and deciding to check my email.  I had received an email from a dear friend.  The day before she had brought my family dinner.  I had been having a rough, pain-filled day.  I came downstairs to say thank-you and ended up just crying and hugging her.  Anyhow, so she sent me an email the next day sharing some of her favorite hymns.  I ended up listening to them right then and continued to go through and play (and sing along with ) more hymns on my phone until I fell asleep.  I slept so well!  "For my soul delighteth in the song of the heart; yea the song of the righteous is a prayer unto me, and it shall be answered with a blessing upon their heads." Doctrine & Covenants 25:12

After about a week and a half of being home I really felt like I had gotten through the worst of the significant pain.  I felt like it was more tolerable which seemed to lift my spirits a bit. 

I still randomly burst into tears.  Sometime this happens when I've had to take a car ride somewhere.  By the time I am heading back home I am in so much pain I am just crying.  It's a catch 22, driving faster just makes me feel every bump and strain around every corner and driving slower, while less painful, just takes longer.  As soon as I get home from an excursion in the car I immediately head to my room to remove my back brace and either put and ice pack or heat pad on my back.  I really liked the heat more at first but icing has felt much better lately. 

A week ago I went to my primary care doctor here at home and had my staples removed.  I was rather nervous about this.  I had 57 staples in my back.  Thankfully only about 8 of them kind of pinched/pulled.  About 2 hurt extremely!  Not too bad overall.

Getting un-zipped ;)

All my staples!

Sometimes the emotions from this surgery have been more difficult to deal with than the physical pain.  It's nice having a  husband in mental health.  He tells me to give myself permission to just cry and helps me see through the unrealistic thoughts I have.  He helps me remember to to look forward to the end goal.  I won't alwasy be at this place emotionally and physically.  In fact I can already see the progress I've made.  I move with much more ease, I walk further with less pain, I can a few more things independently.  I drop things a lot.  I always have but it is just much more evident now that I can't pick thing up myself (without my grabber).  We had a good laugh yesterday as I fumbled and knocked several things off my bedside table.  It feels good to laugh.   

I have enjoyed the visits from friends, flowers, card, messages of encouragement.  We've been so greatful for the delicious meals which have been brought in daily.  We are so blessed by so many wonderful people in our lives!

Heading Home

Getting ready to leave the hospital

My surgeon had originally anticipated sending me home on Friday the 8th.  With pain regulation taking a bit longer than expected he decided to keep me at the hospital until Monday the 11th instead.  We were able to have family friends who lived in the area come pick us up from the hospital and drive us to the airport.  Thank you Dave and Sako!  We are so grateful for their kindness and careful driving!

I had debated whether it would be easier to drive the 3 1/2 hours home or fly.  My sister offered us her frequent flyer miles which made that a possibility.  In the end we opted for flying home.  It was a 38 minute flight. 

We had called ahead and requested wheelchair service.  When we arrive at the curb a wheelchair was quickly brought over.  Joe was in line to check us in (and it was hot) so the guy offered to take me inside.  Here begins my misery.  He just left me at the bottom of the ramp.  People were walking around me, I couldn't turn around and see where Joe was at.  The chair!  The chair was hard as a rock and complete torture.  I'm sure I was looking pretty miserable as a very kind TSA man came over.  He asked if I was waiting for someone and offered to move me out of the flow of traffic.  There was a wheelchair waiting area just around the side of the ramp.  He turned me so I could watch for Joe.  When Joe finally got us checked-in and came inside he could see the pain on my face.  I moved to a regular chair and Joe sent someone on a quest to find a better wheelchair with some give that would be a bit more comfortable.  After a bit of a wait a real wheelchair was located for me and I was wheeled to security. 

The wheel chair of torture!

When I got to security I was wheeled to wait for an agent to be available to do a pat down while my husband was stuck in a line to go through security.  Once again I could not see my husband I was just dropped off to wait.  This was all very anxiety provoking for me.  Eventually Joe made it through the line before they were able to check me.  I was so happy to see him!  As he walked over to check on me he was stopped and told he couldn't touch me until I had been through security too.  Seeing me in pain and being told he could touch me were a bit too much for him.  He was extremely upset and let them know I was in pain and I had been waiting long enough.  Someone quickly came along and took me to a tiny, hot room for my pat down.  Yes, I want my husband to come with me.  Can you raise your arms? No. Can you lean to the side and bend over?  No.  And do NOT touch my back I just had spine surgery.  It wasn't much of a pat down but they did do the little strips to test for explosive residue. 

Finally after making it through security I was pushed to our gate.  Those wheelchair pushers are crazy!  It was like a scary ride with the speeds they were going.  Fortunately he was very careful on the bumps but the corners were insane.  We waited at the gate for a bit but I had to find a place to lay down.  I was in so much pain.  We were directed to some benches not far from our gate.  With Joe's assistance, so I would roll right off the bench, I was able to lay down and rest my aching back until it was time to load. 

My selfie just after laying down to rest on the bench.

 

We were in row 5 but got bumped up to row 2.  Someone came with another very narrow wheelchair to take be up the ramp to the plane.  I was able to get in my seat with out any problems.  Sadly I found out the seats do not recline.  I popped in headphones, listened to music and prayed this would be the shortest 38 minutes of my life.  The last 15 minutes I was in intense pain.  When we finally landed I could not wait to get off.  I had trouble getting my arm rest up and started panicking.  Joe tried and then asked the neighbour across the aisle to help me.  He struggled a bit to get it up but was finally successful.  People began to stand.  I think the stewardess was waiting for my wheelchair but it was taking awhile so she started letting people off the plane.  The man across from me offered to let me go before he which I gratefully accepted.  The stewardess asked if I wanted to wait for my wheelchair but I just couldn't.  I felt so hot, panicked, and in pain so I decided to just walk off.  My kind neighbor once again got me a wheelchair while Joe picked up my walker next to the plane.  He pushed me into the air conditioned airport and turned me so I could watch for Joe.  He was a very kind man!  Joe came and took me over to a seat I could lay down at while he grabbed our luggage. Shortly thereafter we headed out and got in  my dad's car.  I reclined my seat and tried to get as comfortable as possible. 


 

 

I have never been so happy to be home!  I climbed out of the car as was met by my mom and all my kids.  I used my walker to get inside and climbed my stairs.  On the way up I saw a hanging on the wall filled with hand-prints.  My church had an activity for all the women and girls while I was in the hospital.  The theme was Sisters Hand in Hand.  One of the activities they did was to leave their hand-print and name on this wall hanging for me.  I was so touch by their love and kindness I couldn't speak.  I just cried.

It had been an exhausting trip and I immediately went to bed with ice and heat on my back.  :)  I had finally made it home.  Now it was time to heal.



I'm home!
 

It was a pretty miserable flight but after making a couple 20 minute car rides since being home I still feel flying was the better decision.

Side Story: Switching Rooms

So, while I started out in room 1765 I ended up in room 1774.  The first room was a shared room.  We had hoped no one would be moved in there but alas late Tuesday night another patient arrived.  They were quite loud and flipped on all the lights.   I was feeling quite miserable.  About a half hour later Joe got up and asked them if they could turn down the lights in my area which they did, as well as, quieted down a bit.  The next morning the nurse came in and told Joe he would no longer be able to stay in my room through the night because the other patient was uncomfortable with him there.  That didn't go over well with Joe...at...all.  He firmly suggested they figure something out because he was going to be staying with me throughout my recovery.  Later that afternoon they came in and let us know they would be moving me to a private room.  I'm so thankful for a husband who doesn't back down and stands up for me and my recovery needs.  I needed him there with me!  Nights were the worst for me and I can't imagine having to go through them without him there to help and comfort me.  The nursing staff was great but they have more than just me as a patient and there is only so much they could do. 

Showers, visitors, and Physical Therapy...Oh my!

The medication began to be regulated a bit better and I was able to do a bit more in the hospital.  I was actually able to take a couple showers.  My wound was healing so well that once they removed the bandage they didn't have to cover it again.  Also once I stopped draining they could remove the drains from my wound and I was able to shower.  It felt amazing!

I had a few visitors which really brightened my days. 

My sister and her husband came up from Vancouver for a visit.  They brought me a gift from my family members.  I love my awesome Wonder Woman waterbottle!

It was filled with chocolates (which Joe took care of for me).  Also a past mission companion of Joe's came by with his wife.  Here is what Joe wrote about that visit:

Today, by the power and authority of the priesthood Melissa received a blessing of healing and strength. By this power she was blessed that her body would heal properly and fully. She was blessed to find relief from her overwhelming levels of pain. She was blessed with comfort and spiritual peace. As the blessing was being pronounced upon her by my good missionary friend Jerry Bostron, the power of God was present. The power was real and undeniable. I share my witness and gratitude for the restoration of the fullness of the gospel of Jesus Christ. It is the lifeblood of what makes Melissa and I tick. It sustains us in all we are and all that we do. For our Facebook friends who are not of our faith, we encourage you to learn more about the restored gospel and the restored authority of Gods power to bless your lives. God has given us more tools of healing and faith than of prayer alone, he has also given us the power of his priesthood. We love the Lord Jesus Christ with all our hearts and thank him for his mercy and grace. It was wonderful to visit with them and knowing that wherever I am I have to opportunity to be blessed by good, faithful people.  I just wish I could more adequately express my gratitude to them without all the tears.  I'm a crier!

 

Hittin' the Stairs

I also had visits from physical therapy twice a day.  It was quite exhausting!  I walked halls, climbed stairs, and learned a few exercises like point/flex toes, small squats, etc.  I even took a walk with Joe down to the cafeteria once and out to a garden terrace.  Pretty adventurous.  Each day seemed a little better.  The nursing staff commented on how much better I was looking.  But then they also celebrated when Joe let them know I had a bowel movement.  So I think nurses are pretty easy to please.  ;)

Garden Terrace



A feel good moment

Keep on Walking

My view of the city from the 17th floor

 

More Pain, Back Spasms, and Nausea

Joe stayed with me until about 10:30 in the evening.  He reluctantly went back to the hotel to sleep for a while.  I tried to sleep that night but an annoying alarm went off every time I fell asleep because apparently I wasn't breathing deeply enough.  They had a breathing sensor placed in front of my mouth.  And just as I began to sleep restfully, "BEEP - BEEP - BEEP!"  Needless to say it made life miserable.  I wish this had been the only problem I had to deal with my first night.  I don't remember exactly when, but I recall waking up feeling cold.  I asked the nurse for an extra blanket.  Within a few minutes I started shaking uncontrollably. I started to panic when I realized that I had a feeling of numbness spreading throughout my body.  It started in my arms and spread into my neck and face. There was a nurse outside my door that heard me becoming upset.  She came in and offered to call for the doctor. The doctor came in and completed a neurological sensory exam.  He was with me for over an hour checking all my fluids and trying to figure out what was wrong.  The numbness lasted for many hours and eventually faded.  Before moving me to a regular hospital room, they had me sit and stand. I was told by my surgeon prior to surgery that I would be up and moving a day after surgery to promote healing and to wake up my digestive system.  Let me just tell you, it was scary and painful standing so soon after my surgery!

After surviving the night I was moved from CCU to the 17th floor, room 1765.  Later that day and throughout the remainder of the week they began to ween me off the Hydro-Morphone pump.  They wanted me taking oral pain killers as soon as possible saying that it would lead to a speedier recovery.  Plus it would allow me to be more mobile so I could do physical therapy.  As they eased me off the pump my muscle spasms and pain increased quickly.  For the next several days I had long periods of excruciating pain that could only be effectively combated with an IV dose of painkiller and muscle relaxants, as opposed to oral medications.  I remember the dreadful spasms that started in my lower back and wrapped around my waist going up through my chest and entire upper body.  They were horrible.  I got up several times a night and walked the halls to relax my muscles.  For whatever reason my muscle spasms got really bad at night.  The anesthesiologists continued to tweak my medications trying to find the perfect balance of effective pain relief without causing excessive drowsiness.  For awhile there I was so out of it during the day because of all the medications that I couldn't eat and it made doing physical therapy very difficult.  During the first few days I also experienced a great deal of nausea when trying to eat.  Joe put a cold washcloth on my forehead and gave me a steady supply of ice to chew and water to drink.  I was also given anti-nausea medication and a barf bag just in case.  Thankfully I never had to use the barf bag.  

I was either awake and in pain or completely out of it.  Here I am trying to brush my hair and falling asleep in the process.  Finding the right balance of treating my pain effectively and not over drugging me to the point of loopiness was difficult. 

Here I am fighting the pain and holding onto my barf bag!

Surgery Day!

I awoke Monday morning, August 4th at 4:30 A.M. and began preparing for the surgery.  I applied a second round of Chlorheidine Gluconate Antiseptic Prep wipe.  A short 45 minutes later Joe and I left the hotel, walked across the street arriving at the surgical reception area around 5:20 A.M.  

Me at 5:20 A.M. just prior to checking in with the surgery receptionist. 

I checked in with receptionist. He assigned me a patient number and gave me my ID bracelet.  The patient number would allow Joe to follow the stages of my surgery on the reader board screen. 

Picture of the surgery reader board.  My patient number was 9450.  Joe was able to track my surgery progress here.  The first message Joe saw was "Patient in Surgery Prep", followed by "Patient in OR", "Surgery Started", "Patient in Recovery 6", and "Discharged from Recovery".  

After what seemed like a very short wait in the reception area a nurse came and took me back to the surgery prep area.  She had me changed into a hospital gown and put on some compression socks.  After checking my vitals she had me lie down on the hospital bed and covered me with this really interesting metallic appearing air-flow blanket.  She was able to easily adjust the temperature of the air to quickly heat or cool me.  



My sexy compression socks

 

Me under my air-circulating blanket. So Scifi. 

Then, in what seemed like a very quick and planned successive order I was greeted and prepped by my surgeon (Dr. Sethi), the OR nurse (Holly), the anesthesiologists (Dr. Lu and Chen, the physician assistants (Nicholas and Ken), and the neuro-physiologist (Craig).  Dr. Lu hooked me up to an IV and administered Valium.  The last thing I remember before my surgery is feeling totally relaxed.  

Most of my surgical team.  Dr. Sethi (my primary surgeon) is the one with his arm around me.




Me on my way to be moved out of the prep room to the surgery room. 

The surgery lasted approximately 6 hours, beginning around 7:30 A.M. and wrapping up at about 1:30 P.M. Midway through the surgery Dr. Lu came and spoke with Joe to inform him that everything was going well. Just after the surgery Dr. Sethi met with Joe.  He said he was very pleased that he had achieved better than expected results. Apparently my back was very flexible making it easier to bend it into the correct shape.  He said these were good indicators that I would have a better than expected recovery.  He told Joe that he was going to hold me in the Recovery room for an hour, possibly 2 hours at most before moving me into the Critical Care Unit (CCU).  Moving from Recovery to CCU is standard for all patients undergoing complex spine surgery.  Joe wouldn't be able to see me until I was in CCU, so when I was in Recovery for 3 hours Joe became considerably worried and frustrated. Thankfully Joe's long wait was broken up by a very appreciated visit from our next door neighbors Brad and Nellie.  I was so amazed they came to give their support.  I recall a physician assistant questioning why I was still waiting in recovery.  It seemed that I was being held there for no apparent reason. 

Brad and Nellie, the best neighbors anyone can ask for, came to wish me well during my surgery and support Joe as he waited. 

Me just after being moved to the Critical Care Unit (CCU).  At this point things weren't all that bad. 

I was moved from recovery to CCU just after 4 P.M.  Joe arrived sometime around 4:30 P.M. to find me in and out of sleep. I remember telling Joe how surprised I was that I wasn't in horrible pain.  I felt intense muscle tightness in my back, but it was tolerable.  It didn't take long for this to change for the worse. But at the moment I was excited that I had the ability to move my arms and put a spoon of ice in my mouth. I recall enjoying the soothing pressure of the blood circulation boots.  I was also able to relax thanks to my Hydro-Morphone pump button.  In my hand I held a little green light button that lit up every eight minutes reminding me to press it to receive another steady dose of powerful painkiller.  Eventually they had to shorten it to seven minutes as I continued to feel more and more pain.  

The Night Before Surgery

So, here I am, acting as Melissa's temporary Editor-in-Chief of her blog "Straightening My Scoliosis". Melissa is coherent now but is still unable to concentrate for more then a few minutes due to pain, soreness, and her medications. Plus she isn't able to sit for more than 10-15 minutes. Even then it is a very uncomfortable 10-15 minutes. Melissa is driven to write this blog as is evident by her daily pleas that I "get on it". She is determined to share her experiences with scoliosis and the surgery in hopes of being a resource to other scoliosis sufferers. And in this process I believe she has also found the cathartic and liberating effect of sharing her problems and pain with others. Sharing has given meaning and purpose to her adversity. She had hidden her pain for so long that very few knew what she was going through. And even those who were aware didn't realize the extent of it, because she chose not to call attention to it. Her friendships with family and friends were far more important than her pain, and has always been the case. For Melissa to come to the point of opening herself to share some intimate details of her life is nothing short of monumental. She may never admit it, or even recognize it, but I believe this statement to be true. Still, in sharing she would not want it to become the focal point of her relationships, but more of a bridge to understanding who, what, and why she is who she is.

So where does this leave us? What will follow is a timeline of events as dictated by Melissa and typed by me.  Melissa asked that we begin with the night before surgery continuing up through the current date.  Hopefully if all goes right we will have the blog up-to-date very soon.

Night Before Surgery

Sunday evening, knowing I wouldn't be able to eat after midnight I enjoyed my last delicious supper. I a very yummy giant Chipotle Barbacoa Burrito stuffed with black beans, cilantro lime rice, guacamole, pico de gallo, roasted chili corn salsa, sour cream, and the spicy tender shredded Barbacoa beef. It was soooooo good, but so big that I only managed to eat half of it. After enjoying the food we wandered back to our ridiculously hot, un-airconditioned hotel, The Baronness.

The Baroness Hotel across the street from Virginia Mason Hospital

The hotel was across the street from Virginia Mason Hospital where I would have my surgery, so I thought it would be the perfect place to stay the night before my surgery. And it just so happens that the hotel is owned by Virgina Mason Hospital.  But the heat was unbearable. After an unsuccessful attempt to rest we decided to escape the heat. We went across the street to the hospital and gave ourselves a self-guided tour. We found the hospital to have modern updates, like a cell phone charging station.  I was able to recharge my iPhone. So awesome.

One of several cell phone charging station in Virginia Mason Hospital

We then took to the streets of Seattle, as we wanted to give the hotel room more time to cool down. As we walked around looking at cool buildings we found a Catholic Cathedral open to the public.  We went inside and enjoyed the beautiful architecture and the quiet serentity.  At approximately 8 P.M., we figured the temperature in the hotel room would be tolerable so we went back. It was slightly cooler than earlier, but still very hot. We tried to make the best of it by positioning a fan provided by the hotel in an open window. It was frustrating to me that the hotel had fastened wire to the windows only allowing an opening of 2-4 inches. Before bed I was required to prepare my skin for surgery by showering and wiping down my body with a Chlorheidine Gluconate Antiseptic Prep Cloth. I enjoyed my last bite of chocolate before I had to begin my food fast. I could however drink water and clear liquids up to two hours before check-in. The inconvenience of not being able to sleep very well because of the heat proved to be a blessing because I was up all night drinking water making it so I wasn't so parched before surgery.

The Reality of Pain

Weeks before Melissa went into surgery (I'm writing this 3 days post surgery as Melissa sleeps restfully in her hospital bed after an agonizing day 2 and night of pain) she said to me, "You have to keep my blog up-to-date because I'm going to be so out of it." Little did I realize at the time how `on point` she would be with her statement. But being out of it is only a small fraction of the story. The subsequent pain and back spasms that developed on the second day incapacitated her to levels I am still in shock over. Had I begun updating her blog the first day of surgery my words would have been full of naivety. Shortly after her surgery I was briefed by her surgeon and told the procedure had gone very well, even better than expected. Further more he expected a better than normal recovery. My mind translated this into, "Oh, what a relief. Her pain will be less than anticipated." My naivety was only reinforced when I saw a smiling, albeit groggy Melissa a few short hours post surgery. She remarked how well she was feeling and went as far as to say it wasn't as bad as she thought it would be. We quietly cheered together. 

Melissa a few hours post surgery feeling fine on her HydroMorphone drip.

Little did we realize how much her powerful painkillers were fighting back a body tormented in pain ready to strike out in a raging frenzy. You think I'm exaggerating but I am not. Ok, well, Melissa has accused me of being extreme in expression from time to time.

I may be speaking for myself, but I also believe Melissa would agree that she could not have comprehended the level of pain she would experience beginning on day two. From pure observation it was excruciating. Melissa later described her pain as being a 12 out of a 10 point maximum. And how is it ever possible to prepare yourself to observe the gut wrenching cries and pleas for relief from someone who is your heart and soul. As I watched, doing everything within my power to comfort her, I was completely helpless. Helpless! Every nerve and impulse in by body screamed, "Someone please do something to stop her pain, now!" I wanted the medical team at her side to stop the pain yesterday. In the heat of the moment, a 5 second response time from medical staff would have felt woefully inadequate. But in hindsight the medical staff moved quickly to alleviate her pain. They tried a number of things that eventually worked. But never has time gone so slow. Halfway through the pain Melissa said, "This is going to be the longest day of my life." How right she was!

Joe

Successful Surgery

The surgery was a success.  She went into surgery at 730am and the surgery was completed at 130pm.  The doctor says he got better results than what he anticipated.   Melissa is in recovery at the Critical Care Unit in Virginia Mason.  She should me moved into a regular hospital unit tomorrow.  She's out of it most of the time, which is to be expected given the power painkiller she is on.  More information will be forth coming soon...

Joe

Taller and Stronger

Tomorrow I will be taller.  I don't know why the prospect of being taller is so exciting to me,  but it is.  I was told I'll grow 1 1\2-2 inches.  I've actually lost 1 1\2 inches since high school so that will be nice getting that height back.

Tomorrow morning I check -in at 5:30 am for surgery.  Super early and I'm not sure I'm really going to sleep tonight.  Although,  right now I'm feeling remarkably calm.  I was able to receive a priesthood blessing from my dad today.  It was wonderful and brought me even greater peace.  A reminder of my Father in Heaven's love for me.

I've had a hymn running through my head for about several weeks.  It also brings me peace and strength.  It is "How Firm a Foundation".   The 3rd verse being my favorite right now:  Fear not, I am with thee: Oh, be not dismayed, for I am thy God and will still give thee aid.  I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand, Up held by my righteous omnipotent hand.

There is a bookmark in my scriptures that I've had since I was a child.  It speaks my faith with simplicity: "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheth me." -Philippians 4:13

Goodnight all.  Tomorrow's a new day!

This is How I Wear My Scoliosis

It's time to post my before pictures.  I haven't been looking forward to this.  However, I hope after surgery I'll look back at these and be amazed at my new back! :)

This is my forward bend.  I know...super freaky! The rotation of the spine pushes my shoulder way out of places but it is especially noticeable while bending.

The curve and rotation of my spine cause my waist to be uneven and one side of my rib to protrude. It's the opposite side of the shoulder that sticks out.

There you go.  Scoliosis and how it effects my physical appearance. 

Perks and Pat Downs

Looking on the positive side of the recovery process is this perk.

Temporary Handicap Permit

I've always been envious of those handicap parking spaces.  Seriously! Especially when they are all empty and I have to park so far away. For the next 6 months I'll need/get to use the handicap spaces. Something about not being able to bend or twist will make it a bit difficult to get into the car, especially in those tight little spaces at Walmart.  Also since it will be exhausting to walk it will be very helpful to be able to park close to the stores. 

Yesterday I had a nice conversation with a TSA Cares associate.  I'm going to be flying home after surgery and needed to know what to expect at the security check point. She was so nice and was very emphatic that I needed to let them know what I was and was not able to do. I won't be able to go through the metal detector because you aren't allowed to go through in a wheelchair, walker or someone assisting you.  My surgeon will not allow me to walk without assistance for at least the first week. I'll be too weak and my center of balance will be off.  I also won't be able to do the body scan because I won't be able to stand unassisted and raise my hands above my head (after having all my back muscles cut through). So that leaves a pat-down.  I'll be wearing my back brace so will probably request a private room so I can sit down and remove it if needed. I was told to tell them they cannot touch my back as it will be much too sensitive. If I can just skip the pat-down and have them do a test for explosives residue that would be even better.  ;)  One nice thing though is I will be allowed to bring my instant cold compress in my carry-on. The liquid rule doesn't apply to medically necessary products. 
I'll let you know how it goes. 

Healthy and Sane (with notations)

Two weeks ago I went back to Seattle for my pre-surgery physical.  Side story:  My mom, who does NOT like to drive in Seattle or other large cities drove me there.  The night before we stayed in a hotel about a mile from the clinic so she wouldn't have to drive in the crazy traffic.  That evening we decided to go for a walk and see if we wanted to just walk to my appointment in the morning.  We went about two blocks and decided we had seen enough of Seattle on foot.  As much as we would like to not have to pay for parking we just didn't feel comfortable walking by ourselves.  It's not exactly the cleanest city either.  There was so much trash along the sidewalk it was quite disgusting.  So we turned around and went back to the hotel and decided to just drive to my appointments in the morning.

Relaxing in the lobby after our "walk" in Seattle

First I stopped by the labs early in the morning for blood work and an EKG in hopes that the results would be ready for my next appointment.  In the meantime we ventured out into Seattle again on foot.  Surely there had to be a Starbucks nearby, right?  We tried using the maps on our phones to follow the walking directions but were quite unsuccessful.  How are we supposed to know which way is East?  Finally the map figured out we couldn't follow those types of directions and started saying left and right instead.  We saw some beautiful old buildings on our morning walk though.  :) We finally asked the janitor at the clinic for directions.  Basically we just had to walk through the other side of the clinic and there was the "shopping" part of town.  We found a Starbucks in a grocery store and used my mom's gift card to order each of us a thick slice of banana bread and a strawberry smoothie.  We headed back to the clinic to read and wait for my next appointment.

All the labs hadn't  made it in when I went to my appointment with the internal medicine doctor.  Pending any strange results that might come back in my lab work he cleared me for surgery.  (The lab work did come in later that day and all is normal.)

Later that week was my 3 hour psych evaluation.  I actually really enjoy this appointment.  It didn't seem like 3 hours at all.  We talked for 1 hour. He loved that I started a blog.  I happily told him about my awesome support system; my family, friends and church members.  I already have play dates set up for my two younger children after I come home.  Truly amazing is how when I asked for help with meals for my family after surgery my calendar filled up in only 5 hours.  I felt so awkward asking but was so grateful for the feeling of love and support!  Thank you!  Next, I completed an evaluation on the computer which took almost another hour.  Then we discussed the results together for another hour. There were some very strange questions and some I just wasn't quite sure how to answer but mostly it was pretty simple.  Do you fear spiders? Yes.  Do you feel like killing someone?  No.  As we discussed the results it was pretty obvious that I am sane and have healthy coping skills to handle this surgery.  However, as I am already aware, I am a bit introverted (although I'm working really hard to overcome this).  His concern, which he made an notation of on my file, is making sure that I will speak up to get the help/pain relief/etc that I need.  I've come a long way in making sure my needs are met since I had my first baby 16 years ago.  Back then my IV came out of my vein and my arm began to swell as it filled with fluids.  My husband looked at it and said I needed to call the nurse.  I looked at it and said "It's okay.  I don't want to bother them."  I am determined to make my needs a priority...but I'll still be nice.

Hopes, Dreams & Nightmares

Happy Independence Day!  It's crazy to me to think that in one month from today I will have just gotten out of a six+ hour surgery.  I have great hopes for the surgery to go well. Lately whenever I do something I think to myself, next year I'll be able to do this without pain.  Or this is my last time to do this without rods in my back. The good and the bad, I'll take it.  The life ahead of me is filled with hopes for a better future filled with much less pain.  My dreams are to be able to celebrate my own independence from debilitating back pain.

As much as I look forward with hope in the future there is anxiety in the today.  There seems to be so much to do to prepare for surgery. So many appointments to set up and figure out what can I do here in Eastern Washington and what needs to be done in Seattle.  My mom has been coming over nearly every day, for several hours, to help me de-clutter, give my house one last thorough cleaning and move my clothes and other things I'll need to mid level (since I won't be able to reach above shoulder level or bend over for until I heal).  It has been a daunting task.  We hang on to way too much "stuff".  Beyond all the stress of preparing is the nervousness of thinking about surgery.  They call it complex spine surgery for a reason.  I've signed all the paperwork acknowledging that I could become paralyzed, blind, DIE...  Eventually I'll need to fill out the paperwork for my Will and Power of Attorney.  I can't figure out why it is such an emotionally draining task that I'm not quite ready to face.  I guess acknowledging those things as a possibility is unpleasant.

I had my first nightmare (I assume there will be others) about surgery a few weeks ago.  I dreamed I was in a line waiting for my surgery.  They were just whipping out surgeries every 5 minutes and it was soon my turn.  They took me by the hand and told me I was next.  I just started to panic and kept saying, "I'm not ready! I'm not ready!"  I woke up in a complete panic and feeling like I was going to throw up.  Not fun.

Overall I am very calm and positive that all will go well but it is a huge surgery and a very long, painful recovery.  I do worry about my recovery.  I worry about all the medications I'll be taking and the effect they will have on my body.  I just try to remember my calm reassurance that this is the right thing for me now.

Spine Class and Other Ramblings

One of the very great things about my clinic is they have a team  approach for my case.  The team includes neurosurgeons, anesthesiologists, internal medicine doctors, behavioral health, physician assistants and nurses.  They met together last Friday and all agreed that I was a candidate for surgery.  Yay me!

Another awesome thing is the spine class they have to educate you about pre-surgery, surgery & hospital stay, and recovery.  There is so much information to know but they managed to pack it into a 2 1/2 hour class.  It was awesome!  I might add I've never met so many people with scoliosis.  I met one person when I was about 25 and I didn't meet another for about 10 years.  Then in the last six months I met 9 more including the 7 in my class.  It's nice to know you're not the only one out there.

Anyhow, in my class I learned of all the pre-op "to-do's" like: labs, EKG, physical exam with Internal Medicine, psychological evaluation, and a blood draw.  So, I have to make 2 more trips to Seattle before surgery; one 30 days before and another 2 weeks before.

My surgery will be from the back. (Posterior approach)  This approach to scoliosis surgery is done through a long incision on the back of the spine (incision will go pretty much the entire length of my spine to be fused from T3-L3 )  After making the incision, the muscles are then stripped up off the spine and nerves severed to allow the surgeon access to the bony elements in the spine.  The spine is then instrumented (screws are inserted) and the rods are used to reduce the amount of the curvature.  Bone is then added (either my own bone if they have to remove some in stiff areas or cadaver bone), which in turn creates a reaction that results in the spine fusing together.  The fusion process usually takes about 3-6 months and can continue for up to 12 months.For those interested in what exactly the surgery entails here's a short animation.

It looks so easy and gentle on the animation but I've watched a clip from an actual surgery and it is anything but gentle.  This is a link to a video of a Spinal Fusion Surgery.  FYI:  It is kind of gross.  It won't play with the safety mode turned on YouTube.  

On the day after surgery, if all goes well,  I'll probably move out of the Critical Care Unit and into a regular room  Bonus: spinal fusion patients have priority for private rooms.  I don't want to be miserable and have to share a room.  Plus private rooms have a couch or chair for family to stay with you.  Physical therapists will come and work with me during my time in the hospital.  I'll be up and walking the day after surgery.  We'll also focus on stairs since my bedroom is upstairs at home.  I'll have a social worker that will coordinate my care, such as finding out what my home situation is so I can focus on skills I'll need at home (like stairs).

My surgeon said the majority of his patients come home in only 5 days.  Yikes!  I don't know that I'll be ready to travel after only 5 days!  Of course it is required that a caregiver is with me for 24 hours the first 7 days at least.  I'll have Joe there to monitor all my medications, and incision site, running errands, refilling medications, and transportation. He will also be encouraging me to eat as I'll be on a 3,000-3,500 calorie diet!  I generally like eat so I hope I have a good appetite.  I'll need help with most things for at least 6 weeks as I won't be allowed to drive, bend, twist, or lift.  Full recovery can be 6 months to a year.

At my class I was measured for my TLSO (back brace).  I'm not looking forward to wearing it for the 6 months following surgery but figure at least it will prevent me from breaking my hardware and doing something I shouldn't.  Here's of picture of just how lovely it will be.  ;-)
  

I met with my surgeon after the spine class.  He reviewed my bending x-rays I had done after my last appointment.  The lumbar area of my spine is very flexible and he feels he'll have a good amount of correction.  However, my thoracic region is stiff and he may only be able to get 50% correction (so down to about 30 degrees).  I'm hoping he's just under promising and and will over deliver.  Just to be sure I have started do a bunch of stretches and exercises to hopefully loosen up that area.  These three are my favorite ones that I've found. I can feel the stretch without causing me pain.

Upper back stretches
Stretch the upper back